Loneliness

                          Loneliness

   Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty

Throughout our lifetime, there will be occasions when we all feel lonely. It’s possible to feel lonely even in a crowd. The kind of loneliness that is worrisome is an ongoing and persistent state of being lonely. This type of loneliness not only has psychological implications (depression, sleep dysfunction, substance abuse), but physical ones as well. In fact, researchers have linked loneliness to a greater risk of heart disease, high blood pressure and other chronic conditions.

Being lonely is not about being alone. After all, some people would say they enjoy solitude. Being lonely is an emotion we feel when we are not connected to other people. Human beings are social creatures; therefore, living without feeling connected to others goes against our very nature. “We feed off our interactions with one another and thrive when we are inspired, challenged and supported by one another,” said John T. Cacioppo, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Chicago. Whether you find yourself lonely because of a recent breakup, a move to a new city, or perhaps you think of yourself as ‘different’—there are ways to combat your state of loneliness, and in turn, better your physical and emotional well being.

In a recent article published on the Psychology Today website (www.psychologytoday.com), Cacioppo suggests a four step plan (EASE) to escape the grips of loneliness: 

E - Extend Yourself
A – Action Plan
S – Selection
E – Expect the Best

Extend Yourself. The withdrawal associated with loneliness can be motivated by a perception that you are threatened. This could be due to trust issues; a feeling that you will be disappointed or hurt; or feeling that you aren’t likeable or don’t have anything in common with other people. Again, these are perceptions—not reality. Cacioppo encourages individuals to start out slow. “Don’t focus on trying to find the love of your life or to reinvent yourself all at once,” said Cacioppo. “Just slip a toe in the water. Play with the idea of trying to get small doses of the good feelings that come from positive social interactions … do something safe such as volunteering at a shelter or hospice, tutor children, read to the blind, or help with a kids’ sports team.”  Cacioppo also suggests that if you are shy with people but love animals, volunteer at an animal shelter. “The animals will welcome you immediately and you can safely assume that the other volunteers share your interest in animal welfare, which gives you a natural basis for conversation.”

By extending yourself through a charitable activity, you will experience positive feedback that will reinforce your desire to change, while also building confidence.

Action Plan.   It is in your power to implement a plan of action for your life. You do have some control over your life, and you can alter your situation by changing your thoughts, expectations and behaviors. Coming to this conclusion can be empowering. It does not take enormous changes to transform your destiny. As you assess your plan to re-engage, be selective with your commitments. Choose activities that you will feel comfortable doing (if you don’t know anything about soccer, don’t volunteer to coach a kids’ soccer team), and don’t commit to so many things that you become overworked and stressed out.  You’re not going for sainthood; you’re just looking for connections.

Selection. The solution to loneliness is not quantity but quality of relationships. Human connections have to be meaningful and satisfying for everyone involved. According to Cacioppo, coming on too strong and being oblivious to the other person’s response is the quickest way to push someone away. So part of the selection process is sensing which prospective relationships are promising and which would be a waste of time. “Loneliness makes us very attentive to social signals,” said Cacioppo, “The trick is to be sufficiently calm and ‘in the moment’ to interpret those signals accurately.” 

Additionally, being compatible requires common beliefs, attitudes, interests and activities. So you should make conscious choices of how to go about meeting other people. For example, if you are shy and enjoy reading, you’re likely to find people to connect with at an author’s appearance at a local bookstore or by volunteering for a literacy program—not by going to a dance club.

Expect the Best. Being connected socially helps us be more consistent, generous and resilient. It will also make us more optimistic, and it’s that “expect the best” attitude that makes us appealing to others. “We have more control over our thoughts and behavior than we think,” says Cacioppo. “And, while we wait for the change in us to register in the world around us, it’s easy for fear and frustration to push us back into the critical and demanding behavior associated with loneliness.”  It is because of this that exercising patience and focusing on the small rewards of reaching out to others can help keep us on track.

sourced: twoofus.org