Communicating with the Opposite Sex

Communicating with the Opposite Sex

The opposite gender speaks an alien tongue. Or so it would seem. The popularity of books like "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" suggests we often view the opposite sex as foreign—and inscrutable.

If men and women came with a decoder—or an intergalactic dictionary—things might be easier. The complexity of a romantic relationship further intensifies the challenge of communicating with the opposite sex. Here are some tips to make it less confounding…

Communicating with Men

• Don’t Dominate Verbally
  Women are sometimes (although certainly not universally) more verbal than men. If you are a verbal processer, remember that your partner may not be quite as adept at communicating about deep-rooted emotional issues. Allow your partner time to process through his/her feelings and don't expect his/her communication style to exactly mirror your own.
   
• Avoid Looking Angry
  A study by researchers at USC found stressed men looking at angry faces had diminished activity in the sections of the brain responsible for understanding other’s feelings. When stressed, men have less ability to read other’s facial expressions and respond empathetically. If your face is visibly contorted with rage, take time to cool off first before continuing the conversation. Doing so may help men be more sympathetic to your viewpoint.
   
• Don’t Let Resentment Build
  Women who express anger may be accused of being overly emotional or hormonal. But expressing anger is both normal and healthy. Self-silencing creates as serious a heart risk factor for women as smoking or high cholesterol.
   
• Be Direct…
  Men tend to prefer direct communications—don’t beat around the bush.
   
• … But Don’t Be Mean
  According to a study by Robin Simon at Wake Forest University, men are more vulnerable than women to the ups and downs of relationships. This may be because men generally have fewer social supports. A man’s relationship with his partner may be his only truly intimate relationship. Men may seem tough, but they are often quite vulnerable when it comes to their intimate partnerships.

Communicating with Women

• Encourage Her to Be Candid
  Women are socially conditioned to be discrete in their communications and speak in nuance. For example, when a woman says “I miss you,” she may really mean, “I feel neglected.” When a man fails to pick up on these nuances, a woman may think he is being insensitive.
  
  Because of social conditioning, women also may deal with conflict indirectly. This can result in passive-aggressive or veiled communications. While women don’t always immediately disclose what’s really bothering them, they can be remarkably forthright when encouraged to be so. Make sure your significant understands she can always speak candidly with you.
   
• Learn to Interpret Body Language
  Being able to interpret body language can help fill in any remaining blanks. Watch her physical reactions: Does she fold her arms when she is angry or clench her jaw? Does she turn away from you, avoid eye contact or suddenly stop talking?
   
• When in Doubt, Ask
  Women don’t consciously expect men to be mind-readers. If you aren’t clear on what is upsetting your partner—or even if she is upset—ask. So long as she senses you are genuinely interested in her feelings, most women are happy to help clarify. Knowing that you are listening and are interested in what she has to say means a lot.

Universal Communication Skills

Despite these differences, male and female communications have a lot in common. We all want our opinions to be heard, not diminished or devalued. And we all want arguments to be fair and focused. Here are some universal skills for enhancing your communication:

• Be a Copy Cat
  When two people start talking, they typically begin sounding alike within a matter of seconds, according to James Pennebaker, University of Texas psychology professor. Research suggests high levels of this “language style matching” are correlated with relationship happiness.
   
• Practice Active Listening
  Take turns being the “speaker” and the “listener.” When your partner is done talking, repeat back what you think you’ve heard to allow for any clarification.
   
• Avoid Contempt
  Dr. John Gottman has identified four factors—criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt—that can help predict marital failure with 91% accuracy. Of these, showing contempt toward your partner (eye-rolling, name-calling, etc.) is the most destructive.
   
• Timing Matters
  Don’t launch into an intense conversation the minute your partner walks in the door. Also avoid starting fights late at night when you are both tired.
   
• Watch for the Demand/Withdraw Sequence
  A demand/withdraw sequence (Christensen and Heavey, 1990) is when a complaint or demand made by a partner in a negative way predictably triggers the other partner’s withdrawal and defensiveness. If you find yourself locked in a push/pull pattern with your significant other, allow some slack. Pushing your partner too fast or too hard may actually drive him or her further away.
   
• Use “We” Statements
  A study by UC Berkeley found that couples who used pronouns like “we,” “our” and “us” interacted more positively with one another and exhibited less stress. Couples who reinforced their separateness (by relying on pronouns such as “I,” “me” and “you”) had lower marital satisfaction.

The truth is, both men and women hail from planet Earth. Our dialects may seem different sometimes, but we share a common language. And with a little effort, we are fully capable of understanding each other.

sourced: twoofus