Finding Your Soul Mate
Mike and Martha Payne have been married 39 years.” We dated for six years before we finally married,” said Mrs. Payne. “Both of us thought we had found our soulmate. Reality hit home after we were married, when we realized we didn’t agree on everything. We each had our own way of doing certain things, and both of us had habits that annoyed the other.”
Movies, romance novels, magazine articles and talk shows are giving a lot of time and attention to finding your soulmate. All of this has many of us believing that there is one perfect person out there who is totally compatible; someone with whom you will never argue or disagree; a person who will laugh at your jokes, finish your sentences, handle money and household decisions in exactly the same way you would, and on and on.
“The philosopher, Plato, is often credited with the ‘soulmate’ theory,” said Dr. Tim A. Gardner, Director of the Marriage Institute. “He believed that, prior to birth, a perfect soul was split into male and female and that, to be complete, they must find each other and reunite their souls. That explanation fosters the notion that there is only one person in the world who can truly be my soulmate. It implies that there’s only one person in the whole world to whom I could be happily married, and therefore only one person with whom I can be truly happy.”
While many couples get caught up in noticing all the ways their relationship isn’t perfect, the Payne’s figured out early in their marriage that, in order to make their relationship work, it would be better not to focus on their irritations with one another, like the toilet seat being left up, a hot temper or just plain bad cooking.
“Even through really difficult times, I don’t think it occurred to either one of us to bail out because we weren’t meant for each other,” said Mr. Payne. “Both of us really wanted our relationship to work, so we focused more on how to become a soulmate rather than thinking we married the wrong person. My parents were married for 68 years when my father died, and Martha’s parents were married for 63, so we had some great role models to show us how to hang in there. Lest anybody think our marriage has just been a cakewalk, I am definitely not the easiest person to live with, and we have definitely had our share of hard knocks.”
“The truth is, a soulmate isn’t something you find,” said Dr. Gardner. “A soulmate is someone you intentionally become. To have a soulmate and the marriage we are looking for, we must work at it. Real and lasting love is something you do, not something you mystically have. Falling in love is a great thing. After the spark and the commitment of ‘til death do us part,’ couples have to set their course for the future and commit to be soulmates. You have to learn how to stay together – this is when you really learn what it means to be soulmates.”
According to Dr. Gardner, couples who learn healthy ways to resolve conflict; deal with and discuss martial expectations; take martial education courses; and get a marriage mentor or coach are on the road to figuring out how to become each other’s soulmate.
So the real question isn’t, “Have you found your soul mate?” The real question is, “Are you working, every day, to become even deeper, more connected and more in love as soulmates?”
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